My Masturbation Recording Was Listened To 146 Times By The Ice Hockey Hunk Chapter 10
The next day, I still went to the recording studio.
Not going would have felt even weirder.
After all, the person I ran from last night was Zach, not the podcast club.
But the moment I sat down in front of the microphone, I was completely out of it.
The second the headphones went on, my head filled with a chaotic mess of unrelated thoughts.
The moment I opened my mouth, my voice drifted.
“Tonight…”
I stumbled.
Liam stopped the equipment from outside. “Serena, relax a little.”
I nodded and started over.
Halfway through, Liam stopped me again.
He looked at me through the glass, his voice coming through the headphones.
“You’re too tense today. Don’t be so guarded. Put more of yourself into it.”
My fingers slowly clenched the script.
There was nothing wrong with the words themselves, yet they made me uncomfortable.
It felt like every bit of my awkwardness was being taken apart and examined.
I lowered my head. “Sorry.”
Liam smiled. “It’s fine. One more time.”
I took a deep breath and began again.
I hadn’t even finished the take when Liam interrupted once more:
“Don’t cut the ending so short.”
“Your voice is naturally soft. You don’t need to hold it back. Make it more natural—listeners will feel more comfortable.”
I frowned slightly.
For some reason, my chest felt tight.
Suddenly I didn’t want to record anymore.
But I also felt I was being overly sensitive. He was only giving professional guidance.
I was about to say “one more time” when someone knocked twice on the studio door.
Wearing headphones, I didn’t hear it clearly and only vaguely looked up.
Liam acted as if he hadn’t heard anything, eyes still on the equipment.
“One more take.”
I gripped the script, about to start again, when two more knocks came from outside.
This time, Zach pushed the door open and walked in.
He looked exhausted, his hair a little messy.
After entering, he didn’t speak right away. He just stood in the doorway and looked at me for a few seconds.
His gaze swept over the script crumpled in my hand, then landed on my furrowed brows.
I suddenly felt awkward.
“Why are you here?”
Zach didn’t answer.
He walked in, said nothing, and directly stopped the equipment.
The recording studio fell silent.
Liam’s expression cooled.
“Zach, we’re not finished yet.”
Zach didn’t look at him. He simply lowered his head and gently took off my headphones.
“She’s done recording.”
I froze.
Liam looked at me, voice calm. “Serena hasn’t said anything.”
Only then did Zach raise his eyes, his voice cold.
“You’ve been watching her frown this whole time and didn’t notice?”
The air went still.
I sat in the chair, feeling as if something had lightly knocked against my chest.
Even I hadn’t realized I’d been frowning the entire time.
Liam looked at me for a few seconds, then smiled.
“Sorry. I only wanted the show to sound better.”
Zach picked up my bag, expression dark.
“Who gives a shit?”
The gentle smile on Liam’s face faltered for the first time.
Zach looked down at me.
“Should we leave?”
My throat felt blocked. It took me a moment to nod.
“Yeah.”
Zach held my bag and stood one step away, waiting for me to get up.
Before, he would have just reached out and pulled me along without thinking.
Now he simply stood there watching me, not making a single move that could be considered crossing a line.
After we left the studio, we didn’t speak the entire way.
He walked beside me, keeping about an arm’s length of distance.
The night wind blew over. My fingers felt a little cold, yet I didn’t shove them into his pocket the way I used to.
Zach also didn’t scold me for dressing too lightly the way he used to.
The atmosphere was painfully awkward.
Only when we reached the bottom of the apartment building did he finally stop.
“Serena.”
I stared at the tips of my shoes, my breathing slightly faster.
Zach was silent for a long time before he spoke in a low voice:
“About the recording… I’m sorry.”
My fingers curled.
His voice was a little rough:
“I didn’t mean to hide it from you.”
“Something like that is too private.”
“I knew you must have uploaded it by accident. I was afraid that if you found out I’d heard it, it would put pressure on you.”
I finally looked up at him.
“Then why did you keep listening?”
After a pause, my voice grew quieter:
“And so many times.”
The moment the words left my mouth, my ears burned.
Zach stiffened too. He looked embarrassed, his face gradually turning pale.
After a long while, he lowered his head and forced the words out:
“I couldn’t stop myself.”
Zach kept his eyes down, not daring to look at me.
“At first I only wanted to make sure I hadn’t misheard.”
“Later…”
His Adam’s apple rolled. His voice grew hoarser.
“Later, every time I closed my eyes, I thought of you.”
“These past days, I’ve dreamed about you every night.”
My heartbeat instantly went chaotic.
He stood in front of me, head lowered, peeling open the most shameful part of himself bit by bit.
“I tried to pretend I didn’t know anything and act normal around you, but I couldn’t do it.”
“Just having you stand in front of me makes my mind wander.”
“Sometimes when you send me voice messages, I don’t even dare open them.”
Zach finally raised his head to look at me. His eyes were red, and his voice was shaking.
“Every day I thought about whether I should just confess.”
“But I was also afraid that once I did, you’d never dare get close to me again.”
“So I could only push you away. It felt like the only way I could keep any basic sanity.”
“But then I realized I can’t stand a life without you in it.”
He looked into my eyes, almost on the verge of tears.
Seeing him standing there like this, head bowed in apology, left me not knowing what to do.
I had thought I would be angry, that I would find him terrifying.
Yet he stood in front of me, not even daring to come closer, as if even looking at me might offend me.
Suddenly I felt that maybe it wasn’t as serious as I’d imagined.
At least I wasn’t afraid of him.
I was just too ashamed—ashamed to the point of not knowing how to face him.
I lowered my head and picked at the strap of my bag, speaking softly:
“My head’s a bit of a mess right now.”
Zach immediately said, “Okay. If you don’t want to see me these next few days, I won’t bother you.”
Something in my chest ached for no reason, but what came out of my mouth was: “Who said I don’t want to see you.”
Zach froze.
“Don’t go making things up on your own. I haven’t figured it out yet.”
I said quietly.
He looked at me. The gray defeat in his eyes stirred for a moment. “Okay.”
I turned to go upstairs. Zach called me back again.
He stood downstairs, the streetlight stretching his shadow long.
His expression was complicated, as if the words were hard to say.
“I don’t think Liam is right.”
“Maybe… you shouldn’t go to the late-night call-in show for a while.”
The little bit of softness that had just loosened in me twisted up again because of his words.
Truthfully, I had also felt uncomfortable in the studio today.
But hearing it from Zach’s mouth made me want to push back on instinct.
“Is he more messed up than you?”
Zach’s face went a few shades paler. He pressed his lips together, wanting to say something but stopping himself.
Looking at him like that, I felt like maybe I’d gone a little too far.
In the end I only muttered:
“I know.”
Zach looked at me. “You’re not really listening.”
I glared at him. “And how would you know I’m not listening?”
He was silent for two seconds, then said quietly, “That’s the face you make every time you brush me off.”
I was so annoyed I almost wanted to curse at him.
But seeing how clearly he hadn’t slept well the night before, I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
In the end I just hugged my bag tighter and turned to go upstairs.
“I’m going back.”
Zach stood downstairs and said very softly:
“Call me if anything comes up.”